


Touch-Starved

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:29:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27132506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: After years of being in a relationship, Tokiya finally has the discussion with his boyfriends that he does want their physical attention.
Relationships: Hijirikawa Masato/Ichinose Tokiya/Jinguuji Ren
Kudos: 13





	Touch-Starved

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally just supposed to be some angsty smut but now there's not really any smut and it's mostly just an ot3 angst
> 
> WARNINGS ; Angst, panic attacks, some non descriptive sexual stuff/talk

It had been going on three years of Tokiya being in a relationship with Masato and Ren. They had been together for what was now nearing five years but had hidden it well- well enough that Tokiya had no idea that they _were_ together. He hadn’t asked either of them out- he didn’t respect the love rule enough to deny them when they eventually asked him, but he respected it enough to not make any moves. 

Although the way they had found out about his feelings had been… strange, to say the least. Ren had approached him first. 

_”Tokiya.” Ren smiles. The room was empty save for the two of them. “Excuse my abruptness, but I’m going to cut right to the chase. What do you feel about Masato?”_

_Tokiya’s eyes widen. His first thought was something he’d never voice- **’The same as I feel for you.’**. So instead, he just blinks. “He’s my friend of course. I care about him.”_

_“Is that all?” Tokiya hates Ren’s knowing smile._

_“We have a rule against love, Ren. What I feel doesn’t truly matter.”_

_“So you do feel romantically for him?”_

_“That’s- Ren, I-”_

_“You’re wrong.” Ren hums. “Your feelings **do** matter. But don’t worry. I don’t plan to spread this news around. Though I’d be shocked if others didn’t know.”_

_Tokiya’s mouth feels dry. “And just what does that mean?”_

_“The way you look at him makes it obvious, Icchi. I feel that even the blind could tell that you feel more for him than you let on.”_

Tokiya had spent quite some time trying to get that situation out of his head, only to be met with a similar one a mere few days later, led by Masato. 

_”Ichinose?” Masato sets his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, so gently that Tokiya hardly feels it. The touch is gone by the time Tokiya turns to face him with a questioning hum, though an undeniable nervousness courses through his stomach. “Would you mind it if I asked you a bit of a… personal question?”_

_Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow but he’s afraid of where this is going. “If Ren’s told you anything…” Tokiya starts but doesn’t finish, his voice low. The implication is there._

_“Actually this question is **about** Jinguji.” _

_Tokiya’s eyebrows raise. “Oh?”_

_“How do you feel about him?”_

_Tokiya’s eyes widen and he thinks he can feel himself pale. “Why are you asking me that?”_

_“You often gaze fondly at him. I promise that it won’t become well-known news, but I’d like to know what you feel about him.”_

_Tokiya’s eyes close and he breathes out slowly, his head hanging a bit. He doesn’t imagine that Masato knows exactly why that question hits him as hard as it does- but it wasn’t really much easier to tell Ren that he liked Masato. “The love-rule.” Tokiya says weakly._

_“If it weren’t in place.” Masato gives. “I’m sorry to push, Tokiya, but I’d like to know this answer.”_

_“I do.” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet. “Like him.”_

_“Thank you for answering me.”_

They had clearly been communicating between each other. It didn’t make Tokiya panic any less when they admitted it to him- but in the end, he had been invited into their relationship and after a few days had accepted the invitation.

It wasn’t surprising to Tokiya that Ren was a sexual person. He was devoted, of course, but he was often on Masato, and at the beginning of the relationship, he was on Tokiya, too. He was very easy to fend off- he’d never make them uncomfortable. If they didn’t seem into it, he’d back off. But he was a bit surprised how often Masato went with Ren’s advances. 

Tokiya was a virgin. Tokiya hadn’t even touched himself until his late teens and truthfully, his first off-stage kiss had been Ren. It had taken him far too long to even properly kiss either of his boyfriends, because his kisses were always strange pressures or too sloppy or just overall clumsy. If he couldn’t even _kiss_ them, he was absolutely terrified to try to take it further. Perhaps it wasn’t actually that embarrassing, to be a virgin at the age Tokiya was- but he had heard people shocked to hear that people much younger than him had yet to have sex. And he had honestly expected Masato to be a bit more… conservative, when it came to sex- that made Tokiya feel worse, every time he denied Ren. 

And Tokiya had barely even gotten used to normal physical attention. Truthfully, he didn’t receive very much of it as it was. Ren and Masato sometimes switched out as the middle spot in the bed when they slept though Ren usually took the middle, often draping himself over Masato. Tokiya often slept in his own area on the side of the bed, wanting to put an arm around Ren but fearful to do so. Ren didn’t sleep naked anymore, perhaps worried about making Tokiya uncomfortable. Tokiya knew Ren preferred it, but for years now he always wore a pair of underwear to bed. Masato and Ren would be physical with each other when they believed Tokiya wasn’t around, not wanting to make him feel bad. 

Even kisses- a full kiss was rare. Ren would occasionally press a kiss to his forehead or the top of his head, and Masato would sometimes kiss his cheek but it didn’t tend to go further than that. Sometimes Ren would put a hand on Tokiya’s leg, just above his knee as they sat on the couch. Tokiya had once admitted that holding hands felt intimate to him- but because he hadn’t expressly said that he was alright with _them_ holding his hand, they never did.

Tokiya was _sad_. This entire situation could be so easily fixable but he was embarrassed to admit that he didn’t know _how_ to reciprocate. He wasn’t sure how to initiate and he hardly knew how to take it- he went from being a very independent, nearly isolated person to suddenly being in a relationship with two very loving men. He had heard stories that Masato had taken some time to come around on Ren’s very affectionate nature, but Masato was better than Tokiya. Masato managed to admit where his problems lied. 

Tokiya, however, _lied_. 

_”Toki, can I talk to you?” Ren’s voice is too gentle and it makes Tokiya freeze, his hands completely still on his book before he robotically closes it, nervous._

_“Yes?”_

_Ren sets himself on the couch next to Tokiya with a very serious look. “Are you uncomfortable, being physical with us? And I don’t just mean sex, darling.”_

_Tokiya swallows hard, glancing away- this would be the perfect opportunity to admit his thoughts to Ren. Instead, in his ever self-destructive nature, he nods. His voice is quiet when he speaks. “...Not touching you- or being intimate… is that… a deal breaker? Is this it for us?”_

_Ren’s eyes widen. “Of course not, Toki.” Ren’s hand raises, but instead of settling on Tokiya’s shoulder the way he planned, he lets it drop. “Of course not. We can still be in an emotional partnership.” Ren hesitates for a long moment. “Pardon my presumptions… but are you asexual, Toki?”_

_Tokiya’s immediate response is the truth- **no**. But he gives it a long moment before he responds. It’s a perfect excuse for why he never lets himself be intimate with them- in truth, it’s fear. But perhaps this answer sounds better than the truth. Tokiya’s voice comes out soft. “I’m not sure. ...I may be.”_

It was a terrible lie, particularly because they _didn’t_ touch him. They began being intimate when they thought he wasn’t around, and they kept their touches limited. Ren didn’t hang on Tokiya the way he had in the beginning of the relationship and he hadn’t received another offer to join them in the bedroom.

Tokiya had gotten used to it but it still didn’t make him happy. 

And then one day he had gotten home far earlier than he was supposed to and had chosen to take a shower. Their shower water was very quiet, and if the lights in the bedroom were on it was impossible to tell if the bathroom lights were on- they often kept the door to the bathroom closed, too. So in other words, when Ren and Masato had entered the bedroom, they had no idea that Tokiya was in the bathroom. 

Tokiya had forgotten clothes. 

Well, perhaps _forgotten_ was a strong word. He had _forgone_ them, with the expectation that Masato and Ren wouldn’t yet be home and that he could just enter the bedroom after his shower to grab them. 

Tokiya’s hand is on the doorknob when he hears something- it’s a moan. It’s _Masato’s_ , moaning Ren’s name. 

Tokiya was human. And honestly? As embarrassing as it was to admit, Tokiya was _horny_. He had been having increasingly frequent wet dreams featuring Ren and Masato, and he didn’t often have time to be alone and take care of himself. He was hard almost as soon as he figured out exactly what was going on in the room next to him, and it was _unbearable_. Especially when Ren gets another throaty moan out of Masato and Tokiya’s mind starts to wander. 

His head is in the next room, and his hand slowly begins to lower. He was wearing a towel, but that’s soon only being held up by one hand, knocked away by the other, his teeth dug into his bottom lip and his eyes fluttering closed. 

_This is wrong. They don’t know you’re here. They need to know. You’re being creepy._

Tokiya’s scoldings don’t kill his mood. They don’t stop his hand. He manages to stay quiet, but he’s so oversensitive and needy that he can actually feel tears prick his eyes. He had never thought of himself as an oversexual person-

But picturing his hand being Ren’s. Imagining that Masato was moaning because of _him_. Thinking about what it would feel like, to have their hands on him _for real_...

Tokiya doesn’t realize that the noises stop. He doesn’t hear the footsteps approaching the door. He’s too late to hide himself when the door opens. He hadn’t locked it- he was _alone_. Why would he lock it?

Ren is clearly surprised to see him, but Tokiya is fast to use his towel as a cover, to go duck himself behind the shower curtain. He definitely had tears in his eyes now- humiliated and horrified. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ren, I should have- I’m sorry.”

Ren is silent for a long moment, taking in the situation. Tokiya can’t see his face, biting down on his hand to keep in his growing panic. He’s horrified at himself- to react like that…

“Toki.” Ren says gently. Tokiya feels Ren gently begin to peel the curtain away from Tokiya. Tokiya’s towel is wrapped around his body, starting from under his arms and landing midthigh, though even the shame hasn’t quite taken care of his problem. Ren is half naked himself, in only his underwear. “It’s okay, baby. I’m not angry.”

“You should be.” Tokiya’s voice shakes, even as muffled as it is by his hand. Noticing how hard he’s biting his hand, Ren steps closer. Ren’s chest is pressed to Tokiya’s back, but his hand wraps around Tokiya’s wrist to gently remove his hand from his mouth. Tokiya doesn’t hear Masato make his way to the entry way of the bathroom. “That wasn’t- that wasn’t right. I shouldn’t have…” Tokiya swallows hard, unable to finish his sentence. 

“Toki.” Ren’s voice is careful. Serious. He hasn’t let go of Tokiya’s wrist. “Any answer you give me is alright- but I’d like a real one. Are you asexual?”

Tokiya shakes his head, no. Ren’s free hand finds Tokiya’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing over Tokiya’s skin comfortingly. “I think we have a lot to talk about. Will you come into the bedroom?”

“I should get dressed first.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, and Ren squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder. His eyes search the bathroom, but he must notice the lack of clothes in it. 

“Do you want me to grab you some clothes?” Tokiya just nods. He’d go get them himself, but he doesn’t want to turn around right now. “I’ll be-” 

“I’ve got them.” Masato interrupts quietly. Ren flashes him a thankful smile. Tokiya’s head hangs, finally realizing that Masato had been there and he wasn’t sure how long.

In the second of silence, Tokiya finally breaks, starting to cry. He felt perverted- he felt terrible, and guilty for so many reasons, but he was still frustratingly worked up and Ren’s touch wasn’t helping. 

“I want to hug you, baby. Can I?”

“Do you really want to?” Tokiya mumbles miserably. 

“I want to clear this up right now.” Ren says gently. This time, he does wrap his arms around Tokiya, but slowly enough for Tokiya to stop him if he wants to. Tokiya doesn’t. Tokiya can’t. “Masa and I aren’t angry. I think there are things you haven’t told us that I’m sure we’re both going to wish you had told us earlier- but if you really want to know what _I_ think about all of this… I wish you had told us, but you were turned on by _us_. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’d be an entirely different story if we were someone else- or if you weren’t in our relationship. We’ve stopped inviting you because we didn’t think you wanted it, but if you ever wanted to join us, we’d always have loved to have you.” Ren’s teasing tone is very gentle. “You were turned on by Masa, right? I am too. There’s no shame in that.”

Masato’s sigh almost makes Tokiya jump. Masato _had_ been only in his underwear, but he’w put on pants himself. “Go easy on him, Ren.” Masato approaches them, near enough that Tokiya can see him. Masato is holding a sweatshirt and jogging pants. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya mumbles quietly, taking the clothes when they’re offered. 

“I’m sure Ren’s brought this up, but I’m going to repeat it. I’m not angry.”

“You didn’t see everything.” Tokiya has to glance away from Masato. 

“I wasn’t in the bathroom, but I saw it over Ren’s shoulder.” Masato admits softly. “I’m not angry, Tokiya.”

Ren squeezes Tokiya before finally letting him go. “Meet us in the bedroom when you’re done getting dressed.” 

Tokiya doesn’t move until they’re out of the bathroom, and then he begins slowly getting dressed. The pants don’t completely hide his erection- so he has to settle with being careful walking into the bedroom. He’s not sobbing anymore but his tears haven’t quite stopped. Ren’s eyebrows furrow as soon as he sees Tokiya, and Tokiya not-so-subtly shifts, holding onto his wrist to try to block direct sight to his waist. 

“It’s fine, Toki.” Ren assures. “We’re not judging you. I promise.” When Tokiya hesitates, Ren holds out his hand. He and Masato are sitting in the bed, in two ends of a triangle, leaving the head spot for Tokiya. Tokiya finally, slowly makes his way to the bed to sit cross-legged, setting his hands in his lap. 

“I’m not sure what the right questions are to ask, Toki.” Masato admits quietly. “What’s on your mind? Will you talk to us?”

When Tokiya hesitates, Ren speaks up, his voice just as gentle as it has been. “Was your answer true, all the way back then, when you said you thought you may be asexual?”

Tokiya shakes his head and then closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “It was the easy answer.” He admits, his voice so soft that Ren and Masato are both clearly straining to hear him. “This isn’t how I wanted it to be.” Tokiya finally does lift his hands from his lap just to put his head in his hands. “I’ve never dated anyone. Ren was my first real kiss, I’ve never gotten near to sleeping with anyone- beyond a friendly hug I’ve almost never been _touched_ and that all came across as me not… wanting it. But to try to explain how _clueless_ I am isn’t easy. I’m _hopeless_. I’m… scared. I’m scared I’m going to mess it up. And now I’m in it too deep.”

“You’re not.” Ren says gently. His hand lands on Tokiya’s knee. Masato, seeing Ren, follows suit, to set his hand on Tokiya’s other knee. “You’re not in this too deep, Toki. I wish you would have told us earlier- this is something that’s easy to work on.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s knee. “...I understand why you were scared but we _love you_ , baby. We can work slowly. Masa and I haven’t been touching you because we don’t want you to be uncomfortable. We’re more than alright to build you up on it. Of course we want to touch you. I know you have trouble talking to us.” Ren sighs, closing his eyes. He’s slow, when he moves his hand to brush back Tokiya’s bangs, but he doesn’t stop. Tokiya’s eyes are shiny but his tears have stopped. Ren brushes Tokiya’s tear stained cheek with his thumb before his hand settles back on Tokiya’s knee. This is more than Tokiya has been touched in quite a long time. While it does make his heart pound, it also feels warm, where Ren’s fingers brush his skin. “It’s something we’ve known for a long time. But when it’s making you miserable, honey, we need to know.”

“Ren had to teach me.” Masato says softly. When he squeezes Tokiya’s knee, it’s much softer than Ren’s firm pressure. “I was… _hopeless_... when it came to affection at the start of Ren and I’s relationship, too. I understand- wanting it but being unsure of how to proceed. But it’s important to know that there’s no _wrong_ way, Tokiya. You won’t put either of us off. If you make a mistake, which I highly doubt you will, we can tell you. I’ve never thought of myself as a very physical person, but sometimes, sharing it with the right person-” Masato glances at Ren. “People.” He relents, looking back at Tokiya. “Can change things. Ask us questions. Experiment with us. Tell us your pace.”

“You may not know what you like or dislike yet, but we want to help you find it.”

Tokiya had felt bad, for cutting their intimate time short- but starting from that moment they had begun to pay extra attention to Tokiya.

It started very slowly. If he sat near Ren, Ren’s arm would wrap around his shoulders- just resting, not pulling him closer. As time passes, however, Ren would start pulling Tokiya into his side. Masato no longer hesitated to gently brush Tokiya’s hair back when it fell too far on his face while he read. Ren’s forehead kisses and Masato’s cheek kisses were more often- and the full kisses were too. 

As time passes, Ren would sometimes stop Tokiya to cradle his cheek and press his lips gently to Tokiya’s, taking it slow. Masato was the first to ask if Tokiya would be alright if Masato held his hand and Tokiya had even brought himself to admit that he was glad Masato asked. Masato had begun to frequently hold Tokiya’s hand in idle moments, especially when they’d sit on the couch. When Ren noticed Masato and Tokiya holding hands, he had started to hold Tokiya’s hand, too. It wasn’t uncommon for Tokiya to be in the middle of the couch, Ren holding his right hand and Masato holding his left. 

His heart still raced often, but the fear had truly lessened. The warmth was prevalent and Tokiya had grown, too. 

Sometimes, he would rest his head on Ren’s shoulder. Sometimes _he’d_ take Masato’s hand. Sometimes he would take Masato’s face gently in between his hands and press a kiss to the tip of his nose, or he’d let Ren lay his head in his lap and Tokiya would pet through Ren’s hair. 

Sitting in the middle of the couch had taken some time. It wasn’t sitting in between them that did it- it was sitting in between them with Ren leaning against his arm and Masato holding his hand in both of his. It was the affection and the amount that he was being given- but it eventually turns comfortable. 

The middle of the bed was a feat. For a very long time, Tokiya did not lay in between them. He was no longer separated on the edge- sometimes Ren would hold him and Masato would take the place of the big spoon for Ren. Sometimes Masato and Ren would hold each other, Tokiya pressed to Masato’s back, Ren’s hand reaching over Masato to hold onto Tokiya’s hip. Sometimes Tokiya would lay his head on Masato or Ren’s shoulder, his hand on their chest and the other’s hand over his. 

It had been a lot- the first day he had slept in the middle. 

_Tokiya was late in coming home. To say that today had been **bad** was an understatement. It was a recording day, which is normally fine, but it’s far more difficult when he’s recording alone. He should have left at six. _

_It was nine at night and Tokiya still wasn’t allowed to leave. One part of his vocals weren’t quite right, and **they** lost a few of the takes and Tokiya had to redo them. He still had a day next week to record, but that didn’t matter- they were determined to get **something** from Tokiya but weren’t being clear enough about what they needed. Tokiya’s throat hurt and his panic was rising the longer he stayed, the more text messages he wasn’t able to respond to and the angrier the techs got. _

_When Tokiya finally lost it and excused himself to go to the bathroom to burst into tears, he was scolded upon return because he was “wasting their time”._

_Tokiya had fainted. He even remembers the time- 9:43._

_He wakes up in the dark at 11:08 in a chair with his own jacket thrown over him and a warm bottle of water set by the chair he’s in. The clock is the main light in the room._

_Tokiya realizes that he **hadn’t** been drinking very much water that day, and had skipped his meals. He was supposed to eat lunch- but they were behind. He should have eaten dinner, but he was still there. He had gotten scolded for a bathroom break, he had been afraid to stop to take one for water. When Tokiya starts to take things in, his panic rises again, even as he forces himself to drink from the bottle of water. His panic worsens when he sees multiple missed calls, the most recent being ten minutes ago. Tokiya stands, a bit shaky, and he puts his jacket on properly and fumbles to find his bag in the dark room. The door automatically locks behind him as he exits the building to step onto the street. His phone is nearly dead. _

_Tokiya considers calling a car first- but he doesn’t want to talk to Ren or Masato in the backseat of a stranger’s car and he can’t imagine how worried they are. Tokiya’s hands shake as he raises the phone- it’s cold outside, too. Too cold for the jacket he has._

_It wasn’t this cold at six at night._

_Tokiya wishes that he had set his foot down._

_“Toki?” Tokiya had chosen to call Ren. Tokiya had missed calls from both of them, but Ren had been the last to call._

_“I’m sorry.” Tokiya says weakly. He tucks the water bottle under the arm that’s bent, holding his phone, so that he can press the heel of his hand to his eye. Tokiya can feel his panic attack beginning and he’s just trying to hold it off until he can go home- but he’s tired and shaky and feeling unwell and it’s hard. “They kept me late, and I… I fainted- they just left me in the studio. I wasn’t trying to worry you. I didn’t mean to stay out this late.”_

_“They **what**?” Ren’s voice is **livid**. The angriest that Tokiya has heard it be in a very long time. “Baby, where are you?”_

_“I’m still at the recording studio. It’s not our main one- it’s the small one.”_

_“I’m going to go pick you up. Please be careful.”_

_“I will.” Tokiya’s voice is softer. “Thank you.”_

_“I love you, Toki. I’ll be there in ten minutes, tops.”_

_Tokiya has to sit down on the curb, pressing his forehead to his knees. No more than three cars pass while he waits so it’s very easy to tell when Ren’s car pulls up. Ren ends up parking, worried at seeing Tokiya slumped over, and he’s fast out of the car- the lights still on and the engine still running. Ren crouches in front of Tokiya to cup his face._

_“You’re burning up.” Ren’s eyebrows draw in. “What happened, baby? Were you sick earlier? Do you need a hospital?”_

_“I wasn’t sick.” Tokiya raises a hand, holding onto Ren’s wrist, pressing one of Ren’s hands closer to his face. Tokiya’s eyes close. His voice is unsteady and his pitch is too high. “I didn’t eat- and I was dehydrated. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t mean to, I promise. I just kept doing things wrong and they kept holding me- they were mad that I wasn’t moving fast enough. I should have put my foot down, I just- I’m so close Ren. I feel like I’m going to lose it and I’ve felt like that all day. This wasn’t…” Tokiya flinches. “This wasn’t like Hayato. I wasn’t trying to overwork myself. I just want to go home.” Tokiya lets the nearly empty water bottle fall, to hold Ren’s other hand closer to his face, too. “Please.”_

_“Ssh, it’s okay.” Ren coos, his thumbs running over Tokiya’s cheeks. “I believe you. I’m very, very angry at the company for mistreating you like this- but we’re going to fix it. We’re going to get you home and taken care of. Can you stand?”_

_Tokiya struggles, but Ren helps him up and gets him into the car._

_“I’m going to send a message to Masa and have him get some food ready for when we’re back. If you haven’t eaten all day I’d like to see you eat.”_

_“I don’t know how long I can keep it together.” Tokiya’s voice is **really** shaking now. _

_“If you can’t then we’ll get you food after.” Ren’s hand finds Tokiya’s cheek again, though it stays for a shorter time. “We’re going to take care of you, though, baby. I’m going to make sure you’re okay.”_

_Ren is only on his phone for a minute, sending Masato a text, before he starts the car again. Ren’s hand stays on Tokiya’s knee for most of the drive._

_Tokiya manages to hold it together through the car ride, and even through eating- though even with the warm food, Tokiya still feels himself shaking from sitting in the cold weather._

_“I should have brought a blanket.” Ren frowns. Masato runs his hand through Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya had expected Masato, at least, to seem tired, but their worry over him had kept them wide awake. Ren had stayed by Tokiya’s right side and Masato to his left for the entirety of Tokiya’s eating._

_They had spoken some about intimacy- Ren had told Tokiya that he thinks the best move would be to wait for him to be happy with their affection. Something Tokiya had agreed with, though at this point he thinks he’s reached it. He still hasn’t fully explained why he’s nervous to sleep with them- but they haven’t gotten in the position yet._

_It’s Tokiya’s growing panic that leads Tokiya’s answer to Ren’s next question._

_“Do you want me to draw you a bath?”_

_Tokiya swallows hard, and it feels as if he’s swallowing down his rising panic attack. “Will you take it with me?” His voice is no more than a whisper._

_There are a few following comments that go through his thoughts._

_**Nothing sexual.** _

_**I don’t want to be alone.** _

_**You don’t have to.** _

_He says none of them._

_The backs of Ren’s fingers brush Tokiya’s cheek. “If you want me to, darling, I will.”_

_All three of them end up in the bathroom. Ren and Tokiya are in the warm bath, Tokiya on top of Ren and held to his chest. Masato is kneeled next to the tub, his eyes on Tokiya but his pale, slender fingers fidgeting with a washcloth._

_When Tokiya is settled against Ren, he finally breaks. It’s very slow at first as the day overtakes him, every feeling he had pushed off flooding him again. He’s looking over Masato’s shoulder but his stare is blank and he isn’t really seeing anything- Masato sees it coming first. Ren feels it, in the shallow breathing Tokiya had taken on, and the shaking that is beginning. Tokiya’s fingers curl, holding onto Ren’s bicep, curling himself into a ball, as small as he can be, resting in between Ren’s legs. Ren’s hold is grounding, but it’s not enough._

_Tokiya’s sobs start slowly but are coming out choked, his shaking worsening. Masato catches Tokiya’s hands before he can dig his nails into the center of his chest, feeling too tight to breathe. Blood rushes through Tokiya’s ears, only able to hear the tone of Ren’s voice as he mumbles reassurances, rather than the words._

_It takes a very long few minutes for Tokiya’s initial panic to calm enough to begin to take Masato and Ren in again, and that’s when they truly begin trying to calm him down. Masato takes the damp cloth, running it over Tokiya’s side in steady, calming, repetitive movements that are easy to focus on, and Ren’s breathing comes deeper, to make it easier for Tokiya to match. When Tokiya’s breathing is no longer coming in gasps, Ren presses a kiss to the side of Tokiya’s head._

_“It’s alright, Toki. We’re here. We’ve got you.”_

_Tokiya lets out a weak sob, resting his head against Ren’s shoulder as his body slumps, dead weight against Ren._

_They stay in the tub until the water turns cold and Masato pulls the plug before working with Ren to get Tokiya out of the tub and into warm clothes._

_“Where would you like to sleep in the bed tonight?” Masato mumbles, one hand wrapped supportively around Tokiya’s elbow, the other around his wrist._

_“I want to be in the middle.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse. The practice and the crying and the gasping had all taken a real toll on his throat. “I…” Tokiya swallows hard, his head bowing, tucking closer to his chest. “I want to be held.”_

_“Of course.” Masato’s eyebrows lower, but he doesn’t let go of Tokiya’s arm until he needs to fold back the sheets. Tokiya climbs, almost numbly, to the middle of the bed. “If it gets too much at any point, Toki, you can always wake one of us to switch.”_

_Tokiya doesn’t respond, but it doesn’t seem as if Masato truly expected him to. Masato climbs in behind him and Ren climbs into the other side in front of him. With a bit of adjustment, Tokiya ends up with his head on Ren’s shoulder and Masato pressed to his back._

_Tokiya feels calm._

_There is no fear, or nerves. His earlier attack had made him tired, but being pressed so tightly to Masato and Ren makes Tokiya feel safe. It makes him cry. A very calm, soundless crying._

_“Is it too much?” Ren asks gently._

_Tokiya shakes his head, sniffling. “It’s not.” He says hoarsely, pressing his head a bit more firmly to Ren’s shoulder. “It’s… perfect. I mean it.”_

_Masato sighs. “I’m glad to hear it.” Tokiya feels Masato press a careful kiss to the back of his neck, and that’s what urges Tokiya to close his eyes._

It isn’t much longer after that that Tokiya, Ren and Masato get into a harder conversation. At least a harder conversation for Tokiya. 

“I don’t want to disappoint you.” Tokiya admits quietly, his head bowed. They’re back on the bed, in the triangle, with Tokiya at the head. “I… I’m nearly thirty.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “And… and I can count the number of times I’ve been naked in front of anyone, and it’s only been the two of you. It’s… I have no skill with this. I’ve tried to touch myself- it just… it isn’t… satisfying. And I’ve tried to… to touch myself… elsewhere?” Tokiya’s hands twist in front of himself, though both Ren and Masato seem to understand his implication. “I couldn’t… do it right. That’s… I wanted to be ready. Before I asked you both to go further with me- but I didn’t…” Tokiya’s face burns red. “I tried to buy a toy.”

“It didn’t go well, I take it?” Ren asks grimly, his eyebrows pulling together.

“I wanted it to.” Tokiya says softly. “I never tried it. Because I couldn’t quite do… fingers. I was afraid to start with something bigger.”

Ren reaches out to him, and Tokiya carefully moves forward. He ends up mostly on Ren’s lap, but also partly on Masato’s, both of their arms around him. “Don’t be upset about that, baby. You did good. If you really want to bottom, Toki, that’s fine- but we can help you with it. We can help try to make sure it feels good. I’d much rather have you let us help than to hurt yourself, trying to take something you can’t.” 

“Ren’s right.” Masato agrees. “Your age and your experience doesn’t matter. I can speak for both of us when I say that we’re both more than happy to take care of you for your first time. Truthfully-” Masato presses a soft kiss to Tokiya’s temple. “It took me quite some time before I was willing to be on the receiving end. Ren was my first. Ren was my first in both ways- but I can tell with utmost positivity that it’s far more enjoyable, to have someone you love with you to help you through it. You have both of us- we’ll take very good care of you, darling.”

“I had the opposite experience.” Ren says, though his voice is more serious. “I forced myself through my first time- and it wasn’t with Masa. You know how I was, back in school, Toki. I was in your place. In a place where I had no experience- but I pretended that I did. It was miserable. It was painful. It’s why I’m glad, that you didn’t go further by yourself, Toki, because it may not be the same as an uncaring partner, but you need and deserve a careful first time. It took me years to ever consider bottoming again. I don’t want that for you. I want you to feel good. That’s all Masa and I want. I hope you don’t worry about your age, baby doll. I want to make up for it now- by showing you a very good time.”

“I trust you.” Tokiya mumbles, after fully taking in what they had both told him. “I… thought about this. For some time. About if I should keep going until I felt I could handle it, but… it… it’s the same reason that I don’t think I can… get myself off. It’s… lonely? Especially now that I’m not… as touch starved as I was. It’s why I stopped.”

“We won’t disappoint.” Ren promises, turning Tokiya’s head to pull him into a kiss. When he pulls back, Masato turns Tokiya’s head back the other way. “And you won’t either, Toki. There’s no possible way that you could.”


End file.
